You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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