pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
