i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
