We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
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