you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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