apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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