even my farts smell like vagina
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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