i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
