She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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