I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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