I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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