I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
