I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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