I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
