i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
