I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
