listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
