oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
