it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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