My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
