I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
