You kept calling me your small dog last night.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
