I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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