I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
