You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
