Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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