I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
