I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
