I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
