I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
It's shark week go big or go home
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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