yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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