Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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