The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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