Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
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