Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
