I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
