T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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