His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I didn't notice because vodka
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
