Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
