Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
