I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
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