Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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