it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
