I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
