hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
