but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
