I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
