He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
