Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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