if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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