Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Randomize
